It is strange that two of the most impactful areas of our lives—relationships and money—are things we are almost never taught about in school. If you feel anxious or stressed about combining these two topics, take a deep breath because you are not alone, and it's completely normal to feel this way.
Step 1: Create a no-judgment zone
Before you dive into the numbers, you and your partner should agree to be intentional about creating a safe space. We all come into relationships with deep-seated feelings and beliefs about finances, and discussing them can feel heavy. The best way to lower that anxiety is to focus on listening rather than judging.
For most of us, getting defensive when discussing uncomfortable topics is a natural reaction. That is just how we are wired. Deep down, we might worry that our partner will disagree with us, judge our spending, or criticize our past choices.
When you sit down to talk, the most important thing you can do is foster an environment where you both feel safe to say exactly what you're feeling. The easiest way to do this is to simply listen, offer support, and show empathy. Remember that there is no right or wrong here. It also helps to be in a space free from distractions so you can be fully present. If you remain open-minded, you'll uncover everything from your partner's greatest fears to their biggest dreams, and that is the beginning of a conversation that can substantially improve your relationship.
Step 2: Know your money personality
Everyone has a unique story to tell about money. This story is influenced by our parents, our friends, and our community. In fact, our feelings and beliefs about money are often fully formed by the ages of seven to nine. We carry these values with us into our adult years and eventually into our relationships.
Your history with money affects how you think, feel, and act today. Exploring this history with your partner will uncover values you may not have known about before. A common mistake couples make is focusing only on dollars and cents. The real issues usually revolve around how much to spend on big purchases, how much to save, and how nervous or secure each partner feels about their financial situation.
It is critically important to understand the "money personality" behind those feelings. A great way to explore this is to take a money personality quiz together. There are several available online that you can use as a starting point. Once you have your results, discuss your answers, keep an open mind, and listen thoughtfully to why you both feel the way you do.
Step 3: Schedule money dates
Every relationship needs a little TLC, and your relationship with money is no different. Life is ever-changing, and your financial situation will shift right along with it. Major events like marriage, children, career changes, college, retirement, or the passing of a loved one will all impact your financial picture and the decisions you make.
To ensure you remain on the same page through the twists and turns of life, we recommend scheduling regular "money dates." Find a time and place where you can both relax, share your thoughts, and practice empathy. You might even want to bring in a professional to help you navigate the conversation and understand the implications of your choices.
Whether you schedule these dates weekly or monthly, the important thing is that you commit to making them happen. With the right strategy and ongoing planning, you can have effective conversations about money as your life evolves. Keeping your finances front and center can be the catalyst for building the life you and your partner want together.
The Facet difference: Planning for your life, not just your wallet
At Facet, we believe that money is just a tool to help you live the life you want. That's why You'll work with a CFP® professional who works with you to build a personalized roadmap that fits your unique values and relationship goals. We don't charge commissions, so our advice is objective and focused on your wellness. Whether you are merging finances for the first time or planning for retirement, we are here to make the journey clearer and more collaborative.
